Where to Draw the Line: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationships

Experiencing trauma in relationships and repeatedly having boundaries violated can affect a person's capability not only to establish healthy and suitable boundaries but also to comprehend their needs, desires, and expectations from others.

How might trauma impact on boundaries in relationships?

Unhealthy or traumatic relationships can lead individuals to confuse their own needs with those of others, as they may be accustomed to prioritizing others' needs over their own out of fear of punishment, rejection, or abandonment. Even in new relationships where these negative factors are absent, it can still be challenging to set boundaries and break free from ingrained patterns, as responses are often automatic and influenced by past relationship experiences.

Collapsed and Rigid Boundaries

It is common to experience a collapse of boundaries, this means a lack of boundaries in relationships. Examples of this can be:

-       Agreeing with others, but in turn compromising your own beliefs

-       Experiencing intense discomfort or feelings of guilt for saying ‘No’

-       Feeling unsure of what your own opinion, thoughts and values are

-       Noticing that your mood is dictated by how others are thinking and feeling

 alternatively, some people may develop extremely rigid boundaries, in which the person may build a wall around themselves to maintain feelings of safety. Examples of rigid boundaries could include:

-       Having little or no people in your life who feel close to you

-       Experiencing extreme discomfort when others wants to be close to you

-       Not sharing your thoughts or feeling with others

However, it is not uncommon to move between these two types of boundaries. The pull to be close with others through pleasing them, alongside the want to keep a distance and feel safe. The move between these two types of boundaries may mean your behaviour can feel erratic and confused, others may experience you as unpredictable or inconsistent.

Why are Boundaries important?

-       Boundaries are enable us to set limits and take care of ourselves

-       Boundaries mean we won’t tolerate behaviour which we find uncomfortable

-       Boundaries mean we know what we expect from ourselves and what others can expect from us

-       Boundaries allow us to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ without experiencing feelings of guilt

What do healthy boundaries look like?

Healthy boundaries are flexible and predictable which allow for closeness whilst maintaining independence and a sense of self.

Want support with your boundaires?

If you would like to understand more about or work on your boundaries within therapy, you can send me a DM or email me at hello@hlcounselling.co.uk.